So I got 'triggered' the other day. It was intense and unexpected. I thought I knew how to regulate my nervous system well enough already to avoid this kind of response. I thought I was more 'healed' because it hasn't happened to me for a long while. A big part of me felt surprised and disappointed. I allowed myself time to feel everything what was triggered and sense how it affected me. I reached out to my coaching colleagues to help me in this process.
I feel well today but it made me realise that so many of us get 'triggered' everyday and they don't realise that the source of their pain could be still in their past and can have little to do with the present happenings.
False developmental core beliefs are difficult to spot because they have always been with us. They become a part of us and our nervous system can get easily overwhelmed when someone touches them.
One of my big things is 'not being seen' which equals not being important/worthy and feeling rejected.
And I know it's not true on so many levels.
BUT on the deepest level these core beliefs are still active and make me withdraw. Especially when I'm in a vulnerable state.
My nervous system uses withdrawal and overwhelm to protect me from the potential pain of feeling rejected. It's a familiar coping mechanism that has been with me, in different forms, forever.
Despite all the knowledge I have now it still shocked me how strong my reaction was.
How raw that old wound must still be.
And I know how to take care of myself but my heart goes to those who don't know.
The walking wounded who hurt and wound others without knowing why.
They repeat the circle of trauma.
Curiosity is the first step to awareness.
Are there programs/thought patterns working in me that are not serving me anymore?
Why does something so small hurt so much?
Can I see a pattern of my behaviour that is not supportive?
Am I distracting myself with work, food etc because I don't want to feel my feelings and emotions?
And we can't really get any true picture of anything from a disregulated state.
From a survival mode that, I dare to say, most of us are stuck in.
Find something that regulates you and do it as often as you possibly can. Something that centres you, grounds you, gives you peace. Little bursts are better than nothing. Connect to your roots, higher power, nature, anything that anchors you in the present moment. Most importantly find safety.
Trauma disconnects. And it's time to understand that trauma is not only what happened but also what did not happen. And most importantly, what happened inside you as a result.
There is healing in connection and compassion. Connection and compassion to all the parts that are active in us. The parts that still want to protect us maybe without realising the threat is gone.
Trauma changes the brain but new supportive neuro connections can be built.
And it's not about getting 'cured' but about having the tools to face anything that life throws at us in a more compassionate, authentic and empowered way.
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